A Transformation, does anyone Relate?
The cause and effect of our Bundle of Joys Free Will. Let me lay the background of what I am about to say so you as the reader can understand where this comes from. For start if you have not read the post “Our Bundles of Joy and Free Will” then please go read that post before continuing, it will help paint a clear picture of what I am about to say.
Here I am once again sitting in a court room for the, well I do not know how many times I lost count so long ago. I guess it does not matter other than here I am again. I realize though for the first time I have no tears flowing down my cheeks in anticipation for what is about to happen to my child, I really do not feel anything. However, sitting next to me is a woman, whom I believe is here due to the free will of her child.
I notice the tears flowing from her eyes and down her cheeks and I feel her pain and heartache. I wish I had some comforting words for her but, yet I have nothing. All I can say is “I am sorry for your heartache and for what you are going through”. She thanks me with that painful look in her eye. What she does not know is that I too have been in that state of pain and heartache. I have sat in the gallery of the courtroom and cried until I thought my eyes would fall out. It was at that moment I realized that for the first time I was not crying with sadness and heartache. Have I loss that unconditional love for my child? Have I become uncaring for what is about to happen to my child? What is wrong with me?
I still love my child with all my heart and soul, as any other mother would. I know I still love my child unconditionally however the tears of heartache do not flow. I care about my child and their wellbeing, yet here they are once again in a court room about to go before a Judge of the law. My child is about to have their “Free Will” crimes read to them and told of the punishments those crimes come with. Yet still no tears flow from my eyes. I care about what choices my child has made, I care about how my child will handle this round of punishment, will they survive these punishments, how is this going to change my child, yet still no tears flow from my eyes. Am I a broken mother, or I have been in this situation so many times and have gone through this same kind of heartache so many times that as a mother I have gone through some type of transformation.
Someone told me there is nothing wrong with me as a mother who loves her child unconditionally, I have just transformed into a different stage of motherhood. A stage that formed over the last nine (9) years of the same thing over and over, time after time, courtroom after courtroom, visitation after visitation and letter after letter. All of this caused a new type of motherhood that has been in the making due to my child’s “Free Will”. I have transformed into a parent that still unconditionally loves her child even though that child uses their “Free Will” to make wrong life choices and cause harm to themselves and to others. They have used their “Free Will” to cheat, steal and rip-off others along the way. However, I am not a parent that unconditionally accepts my child’s “Free Will” choices. I go through the days coping and waiting for the next transformation. I just wonder if the next transformation will be a positive one.
Will my child decide to use their “Free Will” to do the right things in life, to better themselves and move forward with a good life? Get a job, find a spouse, and begin a family. Or will the next transformation be one where I learn and cope with the fact that my child’s “Free Will” has destroyed them and they continue with the same cycle they have been on or worst.
Will their “Free Will” choices take their life and force me to learn how to live my life without them. Never hearing their voice, or the sound of their laughter. Never seeing the smile on their face, the twinkle in their eye, or feel the hug of their arms around me. Will my child go to a place they cannot return from and instead of visiting them on a visitation day, I take the time to visit their headstone instead? For now, I take one day at a time waiting for whatever and whenever the next transformation begins.
I pray for my child to use their “Free Will” for good and right, I do not think I can handle the other transformation. Until then all I can say is “It is About Time Some Things are Said”.
Sincerely the Mom of “Some Thing Just Need to Be Said”